How to Improve Your Communication
Communication is KEY in a marriage. We all struggle with communicating in the RIGHT way when we are angry. We are going to look at some verses in Ephesians 4 that tell us exactly how to communicate with our spouse...or anyone else for that matter. The outline was developed by NANC (National Association of Nouthetic Counselors) with added commentary by me:)
Ephesians 4:25-32 says: "Since you put away lying, Speak the truth, each one to his neighbor, because we are all members of one another. Be angry and do not sin. Don't let the sun go down on your anger, and don't give the Devil an opportunity. The thief must no long steal. Instead, he must do honest work with his own hands, so that he has something to share with anyone in need. No rotten talk should come from your mouth, but only what is good for the building up of someone in need, in order to give grace to those who hear. And don't grieve the Holy Spirit, who sealed you for the day of redemption. All bitterness, anger, and wrath insult and slander must be removed from you, along with all wickedness. And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God forgave you in Christ. (HCSB)"
Many of us have an issue with our "brain-to-mouth" filter malfunctioning on occasion. We say things that hurt people before we think about it...i.e.:our filter malfunctions. I tell my students all the time that what comes up doesn't always need to come OUT. We have to train our filter to work properly and in time we must train our heart and mind to not need the filter so much. Let's look at some ways to communicate with our spouse in a Godly way.
1. BE HONEST: Ephesians 4:15, 25 says--"But speaking the truth in love, let us grow in every way into Him who is the head-Christ. Since you put away lying, speak he truth, each one to his neighbor because we are members of one another." Don't be afraid of conflict. If you avoid it, it causes isolation, and isolation causes walls of resentment to build up.
2. KEEP CURRENT: Ephesians 4:26-27 says--"Be angry and do not sin. Don't let the sun go down on your anger, and don't give the Devil an opportunity." You can take a break, and most men need one (it takes men 7 more hours to process emotional information than it does women). BUT YOU MUST COME BACK.
1. Guilty of sin
2. Opening the door to resentment and hatred
3. Endangering your sexual relationship
4. Setting the stage for future problems to be distorted
3. ATTACK PROBLEMS NOT PEOPLE: Ephesians 4:29-30 says--"No rotten talk should come from your mouth, but only what is good for the building up of someone in need, in order to give grace to those who hear. And don't grieve the Holy Spirit, who sealed you for the day of redemption."
4. ACT-DON'T REACT!: Ephesians 4:31-32 says--"All bitterness, anger, and wrath insult and slander must be removed from you, along with all wickedness. And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God forgave you in Christ."
A. Typical reactions of our flesh not getting what it wants (i.e. ways we REACT to not getting our way) are (and these are all withdrawals from the love tank of our spouse):
Changing the way we communicate with our spouses is hard...and it will take WORK...but it IS POSSIBLE! Philippians 4:13 says "I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me." 1 Corinthians 10:13 says "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to humanity. God is faithful and He will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation He will also provide a way of escape, so that you are able to bear it." We CAN CHANGE our habits with God! We have to make a choice each and every time to choose to ACT/RESPOND (Deposit) instead of REACT (Withdrawal). Whether we react or respond depends on which we have been feeding more, our flesh, or our spirit. We must make sure we are walking with the Lord daily so that we can make good choices in times of anger and strife.
Ephesians 4:25-32 says: "Since you put away lying, Speak the truth, each one to his neighbor, because we are all members of one another. Be angry and do not sin. Don't let the sun go down on your anger, and don't give the Devil an opportunity. The thief must no long steal. Instead, he must do honest work with his own hands, so that he has something to share with anyone in need. No rotten talk should come from your mouth, but only what is good for the building up of someone in need, in order to give grace to those who hear. And don't grieve the Holy Spirit, who sealed you for the day of redemption. All bitterness, anger, and wrath insult and slander must be removed from you, along with all wickedness. And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God forgave you in Christ. (HCSB)"
Many of us have an issue with our "brain-to-mouth" filter malfunctioning on occasion. We say things that hurt people before we think about it...i.e.:our filter malfunctions. I tell my students all the time that what comes up doesn't always need to come OUT. We have to train our filter to work properly and in time we must train our heart and mind to not need the filter so much. Let's look at some ways to communicate with our spouse in a Godly way.
1. BE HONEST: Ephesians 4:15, 25 says--"But speaking the truth in love, let us grow in every way into Him who is the head-Christ. Since you put away lying, speak he truth, each one to his neighbor because we are members of one another." Don't be afraid of conflict. If you avoid it, it causes isolation, and isolation causes walls of resentment to build up.
- Speak- we have to talk about what the issue is...not speaking at all (ignoring it) is lying.
- Speak Truth- speak the truth, but don't use sarcastic humor like "you ALWAYS do this or NEVER do this" That is not truth because no one ever ALWAYS or NEVER does something. These words hurt our spouse.
- Speak Truth Lovingly- when we address an issue with our spouse, we must tell them the truth about how we feel or what is bothering us...BUT we must do it in a loving way, not an accusing way. Remember, death and life are in the power of the tongue.
2. KEEP CURRENT: Ephesians 4:26-27 says--"Be angry and do not sin. Don't let the sun go down on your anger, and don't give the Devil an opportunity." You can take a break, and most men need one (it takes men 7 more hours to process emotional information than it does women). BUT YOU MUST COME BACK.
- Anger is energy to be used in solving problems. But we must be careful not to sin in our anger.
- Anger used unbiblically attacks others or one's self. You can either deposit or withdraw from your spouses love tank just like a gas tank. We all have them and when we use anger unbiblically and accuse our spouse instead of working on the issue...we withdraw from their love tank. If we have more withdrawals than deposits, it will leave them empty.
- Failure to solve today's problems means you are:
1. Guilty of sin
2. Opening the door to resentment and hatred
3. Endangering your sexual relationship
4. Setting the stage for future problems to be distorted
3. ATTACK PROBLEMS NOT PEOPLE: Ephesians 4:29-30 says--"No rotten talk should come from your mouth, but only what is good for the building up of someone in need, in order to give grace to those who hear. And don't grieve the Holy Spirit, who sealed you for the day of redemption."
- Unwholesome words attack character, bypass the real issue, and grieve the Holy Spirit. Don't attack the person, look at and solve the real problem. Again, we want to deposit into our spouses love tank, not make constant withdrawals.
- Edifying Communication encourages, builds up, centers on personal responsibility and gives grace to those who hear it. We have to take responsibility for OUR PART in this situation. Most of the time, there is not just one offender.
- Focus on the behavior and thinking that is unbiblical. This means you will have to get our your Bible and look at yourself and your spouse and focus on what is not Godly. Those are the behaviors that must be addressed.
- Seek to understand the goals and motives of your spouse. Question them, don't pounce on them, and don't hound them. Try not to start your sentences with "YOU..." Try to start sentences with, "When this happens, I feel..."
4. ACT-DON'T REACT!: Ephesians 4:31-32 says--"All bitterness, anger, and wrath insult and slander must be removed from you, along with all wickedness. And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God forgave you in Christ."
A. Typical reactions of our flesh not getting what it wants (i.e. ways we REACT to not getting our way) are (and these are all withdrawals from the love tank of our spouse):
- Bitterness= the refusal to forgive someone and treat them as if they have NOT hurt you
- Wrath= flaring outburst of rage
- Anger= the slow burn; settled indignation; stewing on it
- Clamber= harsh contention and strife; public arguing and fighting
- Slander= speech that injures; abusive speech
- Malice= the desire to harm others or to see them suffer
- Kindness= benevolent; helpful; courteous
- Tender-hearted= compassionate; sympathetic
- Forgiving= to pass over an offense and free the offender from the guilt of it. We need to learn to say "Will you forgive me" which is much harder than "I'm sorry" but requires and action from both parties.
Changing the way we communicate with our spouses is hard...and it will take WORK...but it IS POSSIBLE! Philippians 4:13 says "I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me." 1 Corinthians 10:13 says "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to humanity. God is faithful and He will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation He will also provide a way of escape, so that you are able to bear it." We CAN CHANGE our habits with God! We have to make a choice each and every time to choose to ACT/RESPOND (Deposit) instead of REACT (Withdrawal). Whether we react or respond depends on which we have been feeding more, our flesh, or our spirit. We must make sure we are walking with the Lord daily so that we can make good choices in times of anger and strife.
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