Rules of Engagement

When you have been married for any length of time over about a month or two...you KNOW that fighting and/or arguing and/or disagreeing IS GOING to occur. It may happen more in some marriages than others, depending on the personalities that God put together, but it WILL happen. We are all human, imperfect, and sinful in nature...which leads to selfishness and pride...and neither of these things work well in a marriage. SO, WHAT DO WE DO WHEN THE INEVITABLE DISAGREEMENT ENSUES???? So glad you asked! I have researched, and pulled several points from different places, but first, let's hear what the Bible has to say about it.

Colossians 3:12-15 says: "Therefore, God's chosen ones, holy and loved, put on heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, accepting one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a complaint against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive. Above all, put on love--the perfect bond of unity. And let the peace of the Messiah, to which you were also called in one body, control your hearts. Be thankful."

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT:

1.  No matter what, show COMPASSION, KINDNESS, HUMILITY, GENTLENESS, AND PATIENCE. These are all hard when you are ready to throat punch someone. But that is all the more reason that these are so important. 

James 1:19 says: "My dearly loved brothers, understand this: Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger, for man's anger does not accomplish God's righteousness."

2. RESPOND, don't REACT! There are two ways to handle a disagreement, you can REACT or RESPOND. 

--REACTING doesn't take much thought, it's saying or doing the first thing that comes up. It relinquishes the use of our "brain to mouth filter" and it usually causes more trouble than it's worth.

--RESPONDING requires time to think about our response and how we should act. This is the more Godly way to handle the disagreement. Responding in a kind, compassionate, humble, and gentle way may take patience and a short amount of time to reflect on the issue before we respond. This is a conscious choice that we have to make each time. It doesn't usually happen automatically unless we are walking in the Spirit daily...reading God's word, and talking to Him continually.

3. COMMUNICATE! When you or your spouse chooses to isolate themselves because of or during a disagreement, it only causes walls to be built up between you. Walls lead to resentment and bitterness. DO NOT isolate yourself from your spouse just because you don't agree. This goes for the silent treatment, the cold shoulder, passive aggressive comments like "I'm fine!"...these are all different degrees of isolation that lead to resentment. P.S. Isolation is NOT the same thing as taking a short break, which is my next point.

4. TAKE A BREAK IF NEEDED. If you and your spouse can not respond to each other in a Godly way, agree to take a short break so you both can pray about the situation and handle it in a way that will grow your marriage and not harm it. I once heard that it takes men 7 more hours than it does women to process emotional information, so a break may be needed. BUT, If you choose to do this, you MUST COME BACK and discuss it. Do not leave it hanging in the air unresolved.

5. TAKE TURNS SPEAKING AND LISTENING. When you have a disagreement or an argument, there are ALWAYS two sides to EVERY story....and the truth is usually somewhere in the middle. 

Proverbs 17:27-28 says: "The intelligent person restrains his words, and one who keeps a cool head is a man of understanding. Even a fool is considered wise when he keeps silent, discerning when he seals his lips."

When it is time for you to LISTEN, remember these things: 

--Listen intentionally, on purpose...don't try to figure out what you are going to say while they are talking

--Paraphrase what your spouse has said to you before you respond to make sure you understand what they are trying to say. For example: "So what I heard you say was..."

--Watch your body language...it says a lot! Your stance, your face, crossing your arms...

When it is time for you to SPEAK, remember these things:

--Think before you speak, you can't take back words once you say them.

--Speak for yourself ONLY, don't pretend like you can read minds and know what your spouse is thinking.

--Speak calmly and watch "how" you say things, your tone and voice. It makes all the difference in the world.

6. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR PART. This is very important. When you have done something you KNOW is not right, take responsibility for it and ask forgiveness from your spouse. This is much harder than just saying "I'm sorry." When you ask forgiveness for something, you are taking responsibility and admitting to a wrong. We have become so used to just saying "sorry" that it doesn't mean much anymore. You can say something like..."I'm so sorry I .....please forgive me." When BOTH parties take responsibility for their part, the conflict is resolved MUCH easier and faster. 

7. Last but definitely not least, FORGIVE! Forgiveness is choosing NOT to use the offense against your spouse anymore. It's choosing NOT to throw it in their face at a later date, and choosing to NOT keep score of the wrongs they have done against you.

Forgiveness is NOT: forgetting, condoning, or spontaneous healing. 

Forgiveness IS: a choice that leads to the process of healing. 

--We are still required to forgive our spouse even if they don't ask for it.

Colossians 3: 13-14 says: ..."accepting one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a complaint against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive. Above all, put on love--the perfect bond of unity."