Are You Killing Your Marriage?
1. OVER-COMMITMENT AND PHYSICAL EXHAUSTION:
These two things are so easy to get caught up in these days. At the Chapman house we have work (five days a week, sometimes 6 for Jeremy and neither of us are home before 5 usually), church (Sunday, life groups, youth group), 2 boys in soccer (practice twice a week and games on weekends), and so on and so on. And we don't even do as much as some other families we know. According to Dr. Dobson, some families have spouses working full time jobs, going to college, buying a house, and starting a new business at the same time. That sounds crazy but people do it and wonder why they can't make their marriage work. To survive and make a marriage THRIVE, you HAVE TO MAKE TIME FOR YOUR HUSBAND/WIFE. If the only time we see our spouse is when we are tired, cranky, and worn out...we will likely not have a good relationship. SPEND TIME TOGETHER AND HAVE FUN!
2. EXCESSIVE CREDIT DEBT AND CONFLICT OVER HOW MONEY WILL BE SPENT:
In my experience, money is one of the biggest causes of arguments in marriage. So many people come into a marriage with an unrealistic expectation of how they will spend their money, and many times the husband and wife do not have the same expectations. It is definitely an important topic to hash out BEFORE marriage, but also during marriage. A few pointers from Dr. Dobson are not to spend more on a car or house than you can afford, leaving too little money for dates, babysitters, and short trips together. He also says to pay cash for consumable items or don't buy them. People have different views on that...but I am a firm believer in not buying something if I don't have the money to pay for it right then. I do not carry balances on credit cards that I can not pay at the end of the month.
I have an awesome, wise friend that taught me how to create a very easy budget...and even to teach my kids to budget...so if you are interested, get in contact with me and I'll be glad to help you!
3. SELFISHNESS:
We ALL are born with that selfish nature! We have to learn to give and take as children. Dr. Dobson says there are only two types of people, givers and takers. "A marriage between two givers can be a beautiful thing. Friction is inevitable for a giver and a taker. But two takers can claw each other to pieces within a period of weeks." YIKES...So don't be selfish! Be a giver...and if you aren't naturally one, you have found something to ask God to help you with. We are all called to serve others, and our spouse should come first on that list!
4. UNHEALTHY IN-LAW RELATIONSHIPS:
Whew this is a touchy one. According to Dr. Dobson, if the husband or wife is not fully emancipated from their parents, it is best if you don't live near them. If autonomy is difficult for his/her parents to grant, then close proximity to those parents is a disaster waiting to happen. When you marry someone, that doesn't mean that you desert your parents or your children by any means, it just means that your spouse should be the most important one in your life. Should we disregard our parents advice all together? Absolutely not (if it's good and Godly) but be very careful about putting your parents first...there is a time to let go.
5. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS:
I'm going to be 100% honest here and tell you what Jeremy and I found when we went to premarital counseling. We did a long survey that asked about all kinds of things, including what we envisioned our marriage to be like. It asked questions like--"Do you think you will ever feel like you aren't in love with your spouse?" "Do you think you will have times that you won't like your spouse?" Those aren't the exact questions, but it was something close to that. When we got our results, Jeremy scored WAY HIGHER than me. Meaning that he said never to all the questions like that. His expectations of me were REALLY HIGH....hehe! The counselor said he was the dreamer, always on Cloud 9 and I was the realist. We are all human, make mistakes, and fail miserably every day...we will never be perfect. So to come into a marriage thinking that it will all be perfect is very unrealistic. We must have a plan for how to handle arguments in a healthy way, how to make up, and how to resolve conflict. We can't expect more from our spouses than they can actually give! That is a "emotional minefield" as Dr. Dobson puts it.
6. SPACE INVADERS:
This one was not one that I would have thought made the list, but obviously it is something that he sees often. This is talking about partners that won't let their spouses breathe. They suffocate them, don't give them space, and destroy the attraction between them. Dr. Dobson says jealousy is one way this manifests itself in a marriage. Another way is poor self concept which leads to insecurities and building a cage around your spouse. These things can suffocate the relationship. "Love must be free, and it must be confident," Dr. Dobson says.
7. SEXUAL FRUSTRATION AND IT'S PARTNER, THE GREENER GRASS OF INFIDELITY:
We could talk for hours about this. So many couples have struggled with infidelity in their marriages. It is not something that can't be forgiven or overcome, but it causes so many deeper issues of mistrust, insecurity, loneliness, and more. It doesn't always have to be sexual either. Emotionally greener grass has caused many downfalls in marriage...including mine (the first one). Guarding your heart and mind is KEY!! See the Guard Your Heart blog posts from before...They are on the right, under archived.
8. BUSINESS COLLAPSE:
Failure in work is bad for men especially. They feel the need to be the bread winner, so when they are not successful at work, it makes them feel insecure and sometimes even angry. Many times that anger stems from financial burdens or reversed roles in the marriage (wife making more for example).
9. BUSINESS SUCCESS:
On the other hand, being wildly successful is almost as bad as being unsuccessful. King Solomon said, "Give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread." (Proverbs 30:8) Don't let success go to your head...
10. GETTING MARRIED TOO YOUNG:
Dr. Dobson says girls who marry between 14 and 17 are twice as likely to get divorced as those who marry at 18-19 years old. Those who marry at 18-19 are 1.5 times as likely to divorce as those who marry in their 20s. "The pressure of adolescence and the stresses of early married life do not mix well. Finish the first before taking on the second."
11. ALCOHOL AND SUBSTANCE ABUSE:
These two things are killers of not only marriages but people, relationships in general, and much more. Be careful not to overdo it with alcohol. It can cause so many issues in a marriage/family and can lead to so many other things that are ungodly and uncalled for.
12. PORNOGRAPHY, GAMBLING, AND OTHER ADDICTIONS:
We are all flawed, we all have different temptations that we deal with daily. Our human nature has a tendency to get hooked on things that are not good for us. At the beginning people think they can control it, handle it, dabble in it...but if not careful, it can easily overtake a person. Sometimes there are weaknesses that are unknown until it's too late, so it's best to just stay away from anything that you wouldn't do with Jesus Christ sitting right next to you. After 20 years of studying those who wreck their lives, Dr. Dobson says, "Their problems often begin in experimentation with a known vice and ultimately end in death...or the death of a marriage."
If any of these hit home, which I'm sure at least some of them do...Find a counselor that can help you through these things...or a wise Christian friend who can hold you accountable and help you work through them in a Godly way. Honesty with yourself is the first step though. You have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if YOU are killing your marriage! If so, it is never too late. God can fix anything if we are willing to let Him work!
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